Dark Man

After I posted Throat On Fire (which I must confess, is one of my all-time favorites), Tasha suggested that I keep going and turn The Stand into a musical. I honestly had no intention to do that, but after I heard an old Elton John song, I had to do I’m Still Standing, because, well, how could I not??

But I swear this is the last song I’ll do for The Standalong (hey…I heard that sigh of relief), and it’s in honor of the Dark Man (aka the Walking Dude, aka Randall Flagg, aka who the hell knows what else). I wrote this one for Heather, in an attempt to entertain her out of the creepiness that is the Dark Man and to keep her reading…

“Dark Man” (to be sung to the tune of the Commodore’s Brick House*)**

Oww, he’s the Dark…Man
He’s creepy creepy, man he’s freakin’ us all out
He’s the Dark…Man
His eyes glow red, he’ll kill you dead
He’s waitin’ just ahead
Owww, he’s the Dark…Man
Well, he’s the one, the only one,
That thinks this is all good fun

He thinks he’s got the best men
He’s got Lloyd to run the show
Yeah, yeah, and Trash Can Man to torch and fan
Nadine, Harold, Julie…but thank god not Fran

Ohh, he’s the Dark…Man
He’s creepy creepy, man he’s freakin’ us all out
He’s the Dark…Man
His eyes glow red, he’ll kill you dead
He’s waitin’ just ahead
Owww, he’s the Dark…Man
Yeah, he’s the one, the only one,
That thinks this is all good fun

The boots he wears, the flowing hair
And most of all, that sexy red glare
Yeah, yeah
He thinks he’s got the sturm und drang
Enough to blow away the pesky Free Zone gang***

Oww, he’s the Dark…Man
Yeah, he’s creepy creepy, man he’s freakin’ us all out
He’s the Dark…Man
His eyes glow red, he’ll kill you dead
He’s waitin’ just ahead

Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up up up

Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it uuuuup

Dark. Man.
Yeah, he’s creepy creepy, he’s freakin’ us the hell out
Owwww. Dark. Man.
Yeah, his eyes glow red, he’ll kill you dead
He’s waitin’ just ahead.

Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up, blow it, blow it

Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up, blow it

Ohh, a Dark…Man.

********************

*Did you know that there is a Rob Zombie/Lionel Richie version of Brick House (seriously, they are on stage together and if that isn’t the weirdest combo, I don’t know what is). Go watch it (pleeeeeeeease!!!!) and tell me that Rob Zombie wouldn’t make one kick-ass Dark Man in the upcoming movie. (I know! it’s a totally brilliant idea. Obviously, they should hire me as a casting consultant.)

**It was a toss-up between this and Super Creep (he’s a super creep, super creep…he’s super creepy), but this one somehow seemed easier. Have I mentioned Hamburger replaced motorcycles with bass guitars? I have listened to both Brick House and Super Freak more times than I can count in the past 6 months.

***And yeah, this part doesn’t quite work with the tune. Oh well. Hamburger’s the musician in this relationship. I just write bad lyrics.