Fizzy Thoughts

Archive for the ‘ridiculousness’ Category

Readalongs, songs, and ( )

with 10 comments

So you all know that I’m crazy* because I’m reading both Bleak House AND The Count of Monte Cristo, right? (It’s all the fault of those damn addictive readalongs.) Although I do seem to be reading more of The Count than The Bleak. I’ve passed the 700 page mark in The Count. I haven’t picked up Bleak House in a few weeks…so it’s still early days with that one. If you can call 130-odd pages “early days.” Some people consider 130 pages an entire book (are you listening, Dickens and Dumas??).

However. I have penned a song for Edmond (Edmond being The Count. Of Monte Cristo. Really, you should read it…it’s a great story, even if it is a hellaciously (and hey WordPress…don’t be giving me the red squiggle…that is so a word) long book. It’s positively Uncle Stevie-ish in it’s length).

Anyhoosie, I digress, even more so than usual. Edmond’s song all started when Heather publicly gloated (via Instagram. Which is why you need to join…so I don’t have to write paragraphs of back story) that she was ogling Naked Jamie (and also reading The Count, although I still think she’s hiding Naked Jamie between the covers of Monte Cristo). Which resulted in me and Andi ganging up on her and posting this song over at The Estella Society. Please go read (and sing!), so you know what I’m talking about when I talk about Naked Jamie. Because I’m sure this won’t be the last time.

And then, because Heather also claims to love Edmond (but we all know she loves Naked Jamie the best), I gave Edmond a song, too. He was in quite the mood when I wrote it.

Please go read it (and sing it!). It needs some love.

And don’t worry, I’ve already written a song for Bleak House. So I’m not totally neglecting it. And I’m working on another song for The Count. Yes, another one (you might want to refresh your memory re: this song**)(***). Evidently, I find it easier to summarize books via song these days. I will try to finish it (the song, not the book) this weekend. Although the song is super long…maybe I should break it up so Edmond can get busy busting a move.

*There will be NO comments on other reasons for my craziness.

**It’s not my fault…HB was playing it on his bass the other night! And did you know that Flea (yes, Flea!) plays bass for that song? Watch for him in the video. His pants alone will make it worth it (I know, I was kinda surprised he was wearing pants, too. And raise your hand if you know what I’m referring to with that aside).

***Care, who knows of my deep and abiding love for all things parenthetical, tweeted me a quote from Bleak House the other day…”Why, Mrs.Piper has a good deal to say, chiefly in PARENTHESES and w/o punctuation, but not much to tell.” Evidently, I have a great deal in common with Mrs. Piper. I also need to pick Bleak House back up so I can figure out who Mrs. Piper is.

****Have I mentioned I’ve been drinking a lot of caffeine lately? Can you tell? Well, can you???

Written by softdrink

November 20, 2012 at 7:56 pm

We’re On A Boat

with 16 comments

I gave you a little background yesterday (not to mention, warning), but here’s a re-cap:

Twitter. Last Friday. Virtual boat party. A reminder of the video that Chris posted (which you HAVE to watch before reading any further, or nothing will make sense).

And now here are a few more things you need to know to make sense out of the nonsense below:

  • So we’ve established that this is all Chris’s fault. That means she get’s to be T-Pain, singing in the background. Start practicing those motherfuckers, Chris!
  • Princess Clown Nose (Christina) missed the boat (party), but she gets her own verse because she’s my IT-along co-host and these days it’s pretty much all clowns, all the time. There are two verses about IT…I’ll let you decide which one I get to sing, and which one PCN is singing.
  • Besides clowns, we’ve got #monstermash. And since Trish is my co-host for that adventure (coming soon!), that’s her verse. I even let her talk smack about my guy. I’m so kind. (Except I’ll be reading American Psycho for Dueling Monsters and you know you want to be on my side. Right?!?)
  • If you don’t know that Kathy is @bermudaonion, well…you should.
  • Same goes for Lisa being @mamshepp. And she’s the reason why we’re drinking rye whiskey. We started off with wine and beer, but Lisa wanted whiskey, and since it had more syllables…
  • Andi gets work perks in the form of slushies that may or may not be enhanced. That’s all you need to know to figure out her verse. She’s also had a busy few weeks, so I figured she deserved the verse with the most motherfuckers. A little motherfucking therapy, so to speak.
  • And Care really does have a boat. That would be why she’s driving. And why we’re even on the motherfucking boat to begin with.
  • I’m pretty sure I forgot a few people that were on the boat. I blame it on the vats of wine that were on board…

So. Are you ready? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeze make sure you listen to the real song as you’re reading the lyrics. It’s not nearly as fun if you don’t.

********************

We’re On A Boat

Care: Whoa. Free boat ride for all. Now who should I take? Fizzy B.
Fizzy B: Yessssssss.
Care: Andddddd… the rest of y’all.
Y’all: Cool.

Oh shit, get your floaties ready
Capt’n Care is in town
Everybody in the place get in the fucking boat
And open your motherfucking eyes
Care’s running this, there’s pie

We’re on a boat, we got our books
Everybody look at us
‘Cause we’re reading on the boat
We’re on a boat, with our books
Take a good hard look
At this motherfucking boat

I’m on a boat motherfucker, take a look at me
Reading IT on a boat on the deep blue sea
Busting five knots, this clown can really float
You can’t stop me motherfucker, ’cause I’m on a boat

Take a picture, nose, I’m on a boat, hoes
We be drinking rye whiskey ’cause it’s how we rolls
I got my Uncle Stevie and my crazy clown posse
I’m flipping pages, having a lark
Gettin’ all saucy

I’m reading about monsters, doing #monstermash
My dude is snacking, making everybody sea sick
He ain’t P. Bateman, that guy’s a real dick
Lecter floats my boat, motherfucker, don’t you ever forget

I’m on a boat and it’s going fast and
I got a nautical themed beer in my hand
I’m the queen of Bermuda, with my Untapped badges
If you’re still sober, then you’re sure not me, oh

Get the fuck on, this boat is outtie

Fuck work, I’m on a boat, motherfucker
Fuck Dickens, I read horror, motherfucker
I’m on the deck with my slushie, motherfucker
This boat’s the bomb, I’m getting bombed, motherfucker

I’m Mama Shepp, you should see me read
Arms spread wide waving at the seacows
Gonna ride this boat to Om-ha somehow
But right now, I’m gonna go read on the bow

Yeah, never thought we’d be on a boat
It’s a big blue watery read
Bloggers, look at us, and all the books on deck
Never thought you’d see the day
With a boat of bloggers headed your way
Believe us when we say “See ya later today!”

We’re on a boat, with our books
Everybody look at us
‘Cause we’re reading on a boat
We’re on a boat, we got our books
Come hop aboard
On this motherfucking boat

Written by softdrink

September 8, 2012 at 5:03 am

Dark Man

with 6 comments

After I posted Throat On Fire (which I must confess, is one of my all-time favorites), Tasha suggested that I keep going and turn The Stand into a musical. I honestly had no intention to do that, but after I heard an old Elton John song, I had to do I’m Still Standing, because, well, how could I not??

But I swear this is the last song I’ll do for The Standalong (hey…I heard that sigh of relief), and it’s in honor of the Dark Man (aka the Walking Dude, aka Randall Flagg, aka who the hell knows what else). I wrote this one for Heather, in an attempt to entertain her out of the creepiness that is the Dark Man and to keep her reading…

“Dark Man” (to be sung to the tune of the Commodore’s Brick House*)**

Oww, he’s the Dark…Man
He’s creepy creepy, man he’s freakin’ us all out
He’s the Dark…Man
His eyes glow red, he’ll kill you dead
He’s waitin’ just ahead
Owww, he’s the Dark…Man
Well, he’s the one, the only one,
That thinks this is all good fun

He thinks he’s got the best men
He’s got Lloyd to run the show
Yeah, yeah, and Trash Can Man to torch and fan
Nadine, Harold, Julie…but thank god not Fran

Ohh, he’s the Dark…Man
He’s creepy creepy, man he’s freakin’ us all out
He’s the Dark…Man
His eyes glow red, he’ll kill you dead
He’s waitin’ just ahead
Owww, he’s the Dark…Man
Yeah, he’s the one, the only one,
That thinks this is all good fun

The boots he wears, the flowing hair
And most of all, that sexy red glare
Yeah, yeah
He thinks he’s got the sturm und drang
Enough to blow away the pesky Free Zone gang***

Oww, he’s the Dark…Man
Yeah, he’s creepy creepy, man he’s freakin’ us all out
He’s the Dark…Man
His eyes glow red, he’ll kill you dead
He’s waitin’ just ahead

Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up up up

Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it uuuuup

Dark. Man.
Yeah, he’s creepy creepy, he’s freakin’ us the hell out
Owwww. Dark. Man.
Yeah, his eyes glow red, he’ll kill you dead
He’s waitin’ just ahead.

Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up, blow it, blow it

Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up now
Blow it up, blow it up, blow it

Ohh, a Dark…Man.

********************

*Did you know that there is a Rob Zombie/Lionel Richie version of Brick House (seriously, they are on stage together and if that isn’t the weirdest combo, I don’t know what is). Go watch it (pleeeeeeeease!!!!) and tell me that Rob Zombie wouldn’t make one kick-ass Dark Man in the upcoming movie. (I know! it’s a totally brilliant idea. Obviously, they should hire me as a casting consultant.)

**It was a toss-up between this and Super Creep (he’s a super creep, super creep…he’s super creepy), but this one somehow seemed easier. Have I mentioned Hamburger replaced motorcycles with bass guitars? I have listened to both Brick House and Super Freak more times than I can count in the past 6 months.

***And yeah, this part doesn’t quite work with the tune. Oh well. Hamburger’s the musician in this relationship. I just write bad lyrics.

Written by softdrink

July 19, 2012 at 6:00 am

Are you still Stand-ing?

with 7 comments

I actually promised Heather a new rendition of “Brick House” (He’s the Dark…Man/He’s creepy creepy, man he’s freakin’ us all out/He’s the Dark…Man/His eyes glow red, he’ll kill you dead/He’s waitin’ just ahead) to try and keep her reading The Stand, but I can’t post the rest of that one until she’s further on in the book. Not that it has blatant spoilers, but it does have some bookish innuendo.

So in the meantime, I offer up Elton John’s I’m Still Stand-ing, because someone mentioned on twitter that they were still Stand-ing and it made me think of this song. So for all of you Standalong participants who are still reading, sing along with Elton…

I’ve been reading since June the first
I’ve been sick, I think that this book is cursed
But there’s something about this book that calls to me
Maybe I should just keep reading instead of watching Glee

I wonder if this book will ever end
But hey, at least my cold is on the mend
I got a thing for Stu, Harold’s such a goob
Wonder what they’d say if I just quit and watched it on youtube

Okay, fine…I’m still reading, slower than all the rest
Reading through the 78 chapters, how many do I have left
I’m still reading and now it’s July
Will Frannie ever stop philosophizing about that damn pie

I’m still Stand-ing yeah yeah yeah
I’m still Stand-ing yeah yeah yeah

I never thought I’d read this book
It’s taking me away from my crochet hook
I’ll soldier on through characters galore
I’ll read all night and it’s Trish’s fault I’m a Standalong whore

Okay, fine…I’m still reading, slower than all the rest
Reading through the 78 chapters, how many do I have left
I’m still reading and now it’s July
Will Frannie ever stop philosophizing about that pie

I’m still Stand-ing yeah yeah yeah
I’m still Stand-ing yeah yeah yeah

Yeah, yeah…I’m still reading, slower than all the rest
Reading through the 78 chapters, how many do I have left
I’m still reading and now it’s July
Will Frannie ever stop philosophizing about that pie

I’m still Stand-ing yeah yeah yeah
I’m still Stand-ing yeah yeah yeah

I’m still Stand-ing yeah yeah yeah
I’m still Stand-ing yeah yeah yeah

I’m still Stand-ing yeah yeah yeah
I’m still Stand-ing yeah yeah yeah

Written by softdrink

July 2, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Throat On Fire

with 16 comments

The unofficial theme song for The Standalong (to the tune of Sex On Fire, by Kings of Leon)…

I see what you’re reading
Looks like The Stand
The Dark Man is watching
He’s watching

Too much confusion
Captain Trips is loose
Has people coughing
Coughing

Owww -owwww
My throat is on fire

Stu is immune
And Frannie is too
Too bad Harold’s not
Harold’s not

Did you just sneeze?
I heard a sneeze
Why is everyone is dying?
They’re dying

Owww -owwww
My throat is on fire
And now
It all seems so dire

Hot as a fever
Hacking up phlegm
Not gonna beat it
Won’t beat it

This book is addictive
Been reading all night
Oh King’s a genius
A genius
A genius

Owww -owwww
My throat is on fire
Owww -owwww
My throat is on fire

And now
It all seems so dire

Owww -owwww
My throat is on fire
Ohhhhhh nooooooooo
We’re all gonna expire

Written by softdrink

June 22, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Read

with 7 comments

Today is supposed to be Howard Zinn readalong day, but that’s just not gonna happen. The last thing I wanted to do yesterday was spend my birthday thinking about Zinn and A People’s History, so today you get a song instead. I know…you had you’re heart set on Zinn. I’m sorry.

After the last Salt ‘n Pepa song, Amy put in a request for Shoop, which turned out to be pretty fun. However, I’ll tell y’all right now…I’m not touching Push It. I tried (I got as far as “write it real good,” which I’ll confess totally cracks me up (I’m easily entertained by myself), but there’s just not much there in the way of lyrics. It’s a catchy tune, though…I’ve been singing it all week).

Anyhoosie. Shoop. Which is now Read. For Amy:

Hey, yeah – I wanna read, baby

Read
[Oooo, how you doin’, baby
No, not you
You, the hard-covered one, (ha-ha) yeah
What’s your title?
Damn, baby, that sounds awesome]

Here I go, here I go, here I go again (again?)
Girls, what’s my weakness? (Books!)
Ok then, browsin’, trowlin’ through Barnes and Noble (word)
I saw, I looked around, and I couldn’t believe this
I swear, I stared, it was Chernobyl
The author had it goin’ on with somethin’ kinda…uh
Wicked, wicked (oooo) – there’s no equal
I’m not shy so I asked for the sequel
A geek? No, that don’t make me
See what I want is to dive into it deeply
Felt it in my brain, it’s so insane, no way to abstain
Then I turned the next page, make me wanna read all night long
Read it, need it, ‘til my eyes turn to grit
Came to my senses and I chilled for a bit
Don’t know how you scree the deeds that I need
So well it’s a spell, hell, makes me wanna read read read

Read a book
Read a book
Read a book a book a book
Read a book
Read a book
Read a book a book a book
Read a book
Read a book
Read a book a book a book

Ummm, you’re sweeping and I’m weeping ‘specially at the end
Author, wanna thump your thinker for a book like that
Can I get a hankie with all that plight and blight?
If words could slay you would be dyn-o-mite
You’re a downer – boom! It’s all doom and gloom
Still wanna know how does it end?
Straight up, wait up, hold up, Author-Man
Keep it up and you’re gonna lose a fan
Well-a, I like ’em real long, chunkster style by the mile
But not all full of guile
And unlike Donne, I wanna have some fun
Come (come) and (hmmm) hit me a home run
‘Topian, fiction, all part of my creed (please)
Baby, see you and I concede, you make me wanna…

Read read a book (Baby, hey)
Read a book
Read a book a book a book
Read read a book (Don’t you know I wanna read, baby)
Read a book
Read a book a book a book
Well let me bring you back to the subject, books on the brain
Books get you hot, make you learn things arcane
When you read a great book, my darling
The world falls away and away fall your worries
When I find a bitchin’ book betcha bottom dollar I’m readin’ like a Rhodes scholar
[Yo, book, I wanna like, read you]
Getcha getcha pages ready it’s time to go steady

On your mark, get set, read, let me read, wanna read
All the books on the shelf my own self
I spend all my dough, on you, cuties
Read read a bookie like that one with Sookie
You, I love you with your pretty covers, you make me discover
You make me wanna scream, “Oooo, oooo, oooo!”
I like what ya do when you do what ya do
You make me wanna read

Read read a book
Read a book
Read a book a book a book
Read a book
Read a book
Read a book a book a book

[Oh, my goodness, girl, look at this
It’s the cutest cover ev-ah!
And it’s comin’ this May! Oooo!]

She and Fizzy B wanna read with me, cool (uh-huh)
But I’m a loner, just books and munchies like a stoner (that’s right)
I read my books for the hell of it, just for the thrill I get
Mmm mmm mmm, for the smell of it (smell it)
I need to know, what’s the hot read (hot read)It’s 50 Shades of Grey (damn)? That book’s taken over like a weed (yeah)
Sandy’s gotta read it, book club, whatta flub
So what you gonna do?
What you gonna do?
Mmmm, I wanna read

Read read a book
Not that book
Read a book a book a book
Read a book
Read a book
Read a book a book a book

Read read a book
Read a book
Read a book a book a book
Read a book
Read a book
Read a book a book a book

Oooooooooooooh, you make me wanna read
Hey yeah, I wanna read, baby

Written by softdrink

April 23, 2012 at 10:05 am

Let's Talk About Books

with 16 comments

I’m in a music-ey mood this week.

For this next song, I needed a band. Well, not a band really…I needed Pepa. Because Sheila requested a remake of “Let’s Talk About Sex” (into “Let’s Talk About Books,” of course) and you can’t talk about sex without Salt ‘n Pepa. Or, in this case, you can’t talk about books without Fizzy B and She. Fizzy B being me, of course, and She being Sheila. Sheila had to drop a syllable to fit into the song (because Salt says “Pep” a few times in the song and that extra syllable that Sheila sports just didn’t work for the song…and because every rapper needs a pseudonym…not that rappers call them pseudonyms, but you know what I mean. Right?).

And she doesn’t it know it yet, but Kim got co-opted for the part of DJ Spinderella (see the third verse)…simply because of this post and when I needed something to rhyme with flack, I thought of hack, and when I think of hack, I think of a certain author (even though, to be fair, I’ve never read any of his books). Hopefully Kim’s okay with the fact that she’s now in a band. And a song. By the way Kim, She will be in touch with you about the video of Push It that we’ll be working on next.

You really, really, really must listen to the song while you read it (although please ignore the few parts that don’t quite work…this one was hard, people!). Better yet, watch the video and picture Sheila dancing to Pepa’s part. I totally think she could pull it off.

“Let’s Talk About Books”

(Hey She.
Word.
Yo, I don’t think we should talk about this.
Come on, why not?
People might not care about what we’re tryin’ to say, you know?
Oh well, that’s their loss.)

Come on
Read on

Let’s talk about books, baby
Let’s talk about all the stories
Let’s talk about all our favorites
And for the bad ones…we’ll get snarky
Let’s talk about books
Let’s talk about books
Let’s talk about books
Let’s talk about books

Oooh, let’s talk about books right now with people on our blogs or just out loud
Reading – it makes me say oh wow
Don’t delay, exchange, or change the topic
Cuz that ain’t gonna stop us
Now they talk about books those reviewers and purviewers
We’re reviewers, too, with skewers
Let’s tell ‘em what we think, and what we feel
Books that we like, and of course, books that appeal
Those who don’t like us have a choice
Shut down Reader, press delete, or turn the computer off
Will that stop us, She? I doubt it
All right then, come on, dish

Let’s talk about books
Let’s talk about books
Let’s talk about books
Let’s talk about books

Hot off the press, make a reader’s eyes pop
We read what we want and get whatever we don’t got
Readers drool like fools, ‘cause the characters are so human
The book was a hit because the plot was boomin’
Fic, non-, YA, dystopians
Nothin’ we read is ever common
Our reads are so great, we got taste
Tolstoy, Austen, no one is too great for us to get with
Or even mess with, Cronin, we say, is next on the list
Boy howdy, whoa, eyes glued to the text
There ain’t an author alive (or dead) that we won’t read next
Keepin’ a book in our bag so that we won’t be bored
And one in the car ‘cause we’re so hard core
Thinkin’ about the books that we’ll never have
No Kant, just Night, followed next by Grisham and Jane Eyre
That last book was dope

Ooh, ooh, ooh
Read it all, y’all

Let’s talk about books, baby (read it)
Let’s talk about the ending (buy it, borrow it)
Let’s talk about all the good ones
And the bad ones… eh, maybe
Let’s talk about books (come on)
Let’s talk about books (do it)
Let’s talk about books (uh-huh)
Let’s talk about books

Bloggers, all the bloggers, louder now, help me out
Come on, all the bloggers – let’s talk about books…all night

Bloggers, all the bloggers, louder now, help me out
Come on, all the bloggers – let’s talk about books, all night

(Yo, She, I don’t think they’re gonna play this on the radio
But why not? Everybody knows how to read
I mean, everybody should be readin’ books
Just like us…we really dig the books.)

Let’s talk about books, baby
Let’s talk about all the stories
Let’s talk about all our favorites
And for the bad ones…we’ll get snarky

What we have here is subject to controversy
A four-letter word some regard as a curse – READ
But try it and you might find joy
Tho some find books one big annoy
What makes us react like that is so unlogical
If you read a series best try it chronological
The first right of the reader is to give flack
DJ Kimberella thinks Sparks is such a hack
As a matter of fact, sometimes it’s like that
But anyway, read it or not, books are phat
Fizzy B and She happen to think any book is where it’s at
“Oh well,” we say, “what the hell, it’s chill,
Just read a book, whatever you will”
And better yet pass one on…transfer
Like I did to Care, now Ian is all hers

Let’s talk about books, baby
Let’s talk about all the stories
Let’s talk about all our favorites
And for the bad ones…we’ll get snarky

Let’s talk about books
Let’s talk about books
Let’s talk about books
Let’s talk about books

Let’s talk about books, baby
Let’s talk about all the stories
Let’s talk about all our favorites
And for the bad ones…we’ll get snarky

Let’s talk about books
Let’s talk about books
Let’s talk about books
Let’s talk about books

Let’s talk about books

Written by softdrink

April 17, 2012 at 6:00 am